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Getting Back Together

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	"Set boundaries and stick to them more firmly than ever before"

Does your life resemble a cheesy daytime soap? Break up, make up, lather, rinse, repeat? You wouldn't abuse your car or treadmill that way, so why do it to yourself? Getting back together with someone is a far bigger decision than getting together in the first place. Make sure that you do the right thing.

Know why it happened
Know why you broke up. If it was over a misunderstanding, a series of small things, a gradual death of passion, a real deal-breaker such as infidelity, boredom, or anything else - know why it happened. Keep a journal of what you thought and what was said. Think about how much of this is negotiable, and make sure that you expect only to change some habits of yourself or your ex-partner, not the whole person or your lives together. Even at the risk of over-analyzing, pinpoint all the reasons that came together to result in as momentuous a decision as breaking up.

Know why you still believe
By the same token, know why you want to get back together. Are you just "settling" because you despair of ever finding anyone? Do you think you're not going to do any better, or that the quality of people out there is terrible? Are you just lonely? Do you genuinely believe things can be resolved? All in all, your reasons for getting back together should be stronger than those that brought you together in the first place. The only reason to get back together is if you are absolutely certain that you can build a stronger relationship than before.

Can we work it out?
The reasons, motivation, and commitment to get back together and make it work have to come from both sides. It will take some painful plain talking to cut to the heart of things, but don't agree on generalities. Ask each other what you think about what happened and what went wrong the first time around. Make sure you agree on the fundamentals. Come to specific, mutually agreed-upon solutions or middle ground and make a commitment to stick to this. Then, maybe you have a chance of things going better the second time around.

Trust
Whatever the reason for a break-up, one fallout of it is often that it becomes very difficult to trust the person again. By taking on the challenge of getting back together, you're accepting that you do, in fact, trust the person. Are you sure? It takes a long time to re-build a trusting relationship and it's a hard road back there. If the slightest stress on the mended relationship is going to make either one of you play dirty and bring up old issues without reason, you not only don't trust each other, you're also looking for ways to inflict hurt on the other person. And that's really not a good idea.

Think with your head
The one on your shoulders, that is. Sometimes you really are the victim of a great cosmic joke. The person who is atrociously bad for you is the one person in the world you can't keep your hands off. As crazy as it sounds, chemistry keeps relationships together that logic and reason say should be quietly buried. This is a hard call. You've got to weigh the benefits of fabulous sex against the cost of jealousy, fiscal irresponsibility, infidelity, dullness, or whatever it is that drove you apart in the first place.

Take it easy
Go slowly --very slowly. Don't decide to get together one day and move back in the next. Get to know the person again. Treat the initial phases as just dating. This gives both of you time to slide into the new habits and the opinions you've agreed to reform, in order to be together. It also gives you both a pressure-free time to assess whether you truly belong together, or if it's all a bad idea.

Make a deal with yourself
To avoid traumatic repeats of previous disagreements etc, make a deal with yourself. As long as you stick to your end of the bargain that you made with the other person, they have an absolute obligation to do the same. Sure, it takes some time to make adjustments, but don't leave it too long, or you'll just be living in hope. If things don't significantly improve by a certain time: leave. Set boundaries and stick to them more firmly than ever before.

Comments (4)

Posted by: neal (01/05/07)

good article for anyone with a previous relationship to read!

Posted by: emma (04/10/07)

very helpful article!!! such a great guide for anyone who is utterly confused with this kind of decision that they have been faced with!thank you very much!xxx

Posted by: Joanna (10/25/07)

wow - I totally relate. If someone is constantly challenging your boundaries - what can you really do? You either decide to accept their way or you take the highway because they're simply ignoring your desires in this case and probably always will!

Posted by: Alwaysandforever (11/19/07)

Some of the most level headed advise I've ever read concerning the great need to face the real facts about significant past hurts from someone who claimed to love you and the future trust and boundaries that are needed--well said.